My So Called Life

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:16:08 GMT

So today was the first day of RA training. I'm really liking it so far. The other RAs in my building seem great. We played one awesome game of volleyball tonight. :) On a sad note, I need to get rid of my hermit crabs. My RD reminded me that they don't follow the policy of "fish only". So thats a bummer, hopefully I'll find someone to take good care of them. Ww'll see. I was also so effing nervous about emailing my boss at transit about my hours and he was SO amazingly sweet. I should have known. He was great. He congratulated me so much about becoming an RA and then told me to drive as much as I can and not to worry about it. I do love Transit. I can't wait for other people to get on campus. Pretty much just excited for Steve and Brad at this point. I have plans with both of them that I'm excited for. I have to change my classes around to make time for some RA stuff at night. 2 night classes plus NRBP just wasnt going to work. I'm really looking foward to this year. I'm already thinking of floor activities and door decorations. I feel like I was made for this. Though I am known in my building as "that girl" because I keep knowing the answers to geeky questions. Oh well, gotta run :)

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 02:45:02 GMT

I'm feeling eloquent because of the book I just finished. I re-read "The Red Tent", honestly one of the most amazing books I've ever read in my life. I spend my summer days reading and tanning and being useless. I wish I had something legitimate to be doing. Reading the stories of women who spent entire days hunched over looms or spinning thread between their coordinated hands makes me feel wasted. I spend my days trying to spin my words into beautiful phrases that weave into Steve's heart and keep him just as strong as the fabrics spun by the women of ages long ago. I miss him until my heart aches, which seems silly considering I just saw him last week. He's only 7 months of my past, but my goodness is that man going to be my future. I don't know how I could spend the rest of my life without him. He makes me want to be a better person just to be worthy of being with him, though he's never thought of me as anything other than perfect. He amazes me by the things that he does, with all of the things that he does. Only being friends with him was quite possibly the biggest blessing I ever had in my life until we bacame partners in our lives together. Perhaps that sounds ridiculous, but its so true. The rest of my days will overflow with happiness and laughter if they're spent with him. My children will be the luckiest in the world to have him as a father. Watching him play soccer last weekend left me to dream of our healthy children playing the world sport in our backyard. Thats the most perfect thing I can think of. Thats what I hope my dreams are filled with until I can sleep with him again. Being able to lie in his arms just means that I never want to fall asleep, no matter how sweet my dreams are they'd never compare with having him next to me. Watching him sleep or even just laying with him is better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I truly am blessed with him, and with the millions of other things I'm blessed to have in my life.

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 06:14:45 GMT

Random, middle of the night entry. NSO ended today. I'm looking foward to not only going home, but going to Boston tomorrow to visit Steve. Packing sucks though. I'm exhausted. I have a feeling in about a week I'm just going to crash and sleep for an entire week. I got asked out today... by someone that wasn't Steve. That was interesting. I politely declined, of course, but it was nice to be asked out on a date. I had never been asked to go out on one date. Oh, and I should probably mention that it was an orientation student from last week... at least he was an older transfer and not a freshman. I got a hair cut today. I really like it. Hopefully I'll be able to do something with it myself tomorrow. I HATE getting a hair cut that looks awesome in the salon but I can never make look any good ever again. I did laundry tonight, I was proud of myself. I haven't done my own laundry since first semester. Steve or my mom always does it. I'm a lucky, blessed girl. Well, Gram's coming tomorrow (or really today) around 10:30, so I should head to bed before I have to wake up early to pack more. Eww... at least I get to go home!!

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 03:33:24 GMT

Sometimes I think of the most random reasons why I love Steve. This weekend had a lot of those times. We were at the fireworks in the town over on Sunday night and he was telling me what chemicals were used to make the fireworks different colors. It was adorable. He plays with my brother and gets along with my dad, faking enthusiasm about salt water reef tanks to have something to talk about. Everytime he meets someone I'm overwhelmed by how proud I am to be with him. He met some more extended family members on Monday and he was so impressive. I'm so lucky, and I'm so in love.

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 04:09:12 GMT

let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be happy; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere- be deceitful. let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little peice of living is ever lost.

Steve comes home today... its been a looooong 4 weeks. I'm completely ready to start a new life with him. First night of a new orientation session was this evening-- I'm pretty much going crazy. Big Chat with the boss lady tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. Now its time for Harry Potter and bed.

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 11:08:14 GMT

So this is weird. I never write when I'm in a good mood. I say that all the time. Any reader of my journal probably thinks I'm NUTS and seriously disturbed. So here it is, my summing up break so far entry. I spent about a week at home before coming back to campus for new student's orientation. The hours are ridiculous, sometimes the students can be annoying, but some are awesome, and I really like the people I work with. I don't know if the pay is worth it yet, but it doesn't really matter at the moment. I think that its helping me identify some problems about who I am, but its also making me a bit crazy. Not helping my sanity is that Steve left 22 days ago for Central America and I haven't talked to him since. No letters, emails, phone calls. Damn Belize. But I'm sure he's loving digging, its what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Other than marry me. :) I miss him so much. Sometimes I need to reread sweet emails, voicemails, facebook wall posts, etc just to remind myself that he wasn't all a dream. I worry a lot that he's going to fall out of love with me while he's down there. Come back and be like "oh right, I deserve better than you". I'd be wrecked, but probably understand. It's not really probable, considering how in love with me he is, but I worry. I've been doing Summertime Players at orientation, so thats great. Its my one escape every session. I feel like I wear a mask during a lot of sessions, and ironically when I'm acting on a stage, I feel most like myself. I went home last weekend and it reminded me how much I love my parents. I miss them all the time. My happy entry turned sad.... hmph. Well believe it or not, I'm pretty happy. I'll be happier in a week when Steve is home, when I can stop worrying about all of the physical dangers he's facing, but all of them emotional terrors I've seemed to have. Him being away has made me realize that our open relationship thing was bullshit. He's the one for me and I'm completely in love with him. It was just a selfish desire for me to feel attractive and wanted. But honestly its only his opinion that matters to me, and he does think I'm attractive and he wants me. I think that I'm always going to crave male acceptance. However I know that even better than lots of acceptance, is being loved and cared for and caring for one of the sweetest, kindest, good hearted men I've ever met. Time to start the day

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 04:17:11 GMT

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks,and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they foundout my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

I'm an ally.

I'm bisexual.

I'm a gay rights activist.

Tue, 23 May 2006 16:10:03 GMT

My mom's hit me twice in my entire life. Once was when I was younger, she challeneged me to a fist fight. I don't remember it hurting. Not on the outside anyway. The second time was last night. Both times she's been insanely intoxicated. Both times were without real reason, I dont know if theres ever a real reason to hit anyone. But it still happened. And now I don't know how to handle it. I want to know if she remembers, because she probably doesn't. If she does remember, then its ok. If she would do the same thing sober, I really don't care. But I know she wouldnt, and that kills me. Thats a drinking problem, as if I ever was unsure if she had one. I hate loving her as much as I do. I don't know how else to help her. Now I know why my brother doesn't like to be home and why he always goes out with his friends.

I excelled in high school because I didn't want to be home. I threw myself into school because I had nothing going for me here. But now I'm at college. And failing miserably. I have no motivation because I like my room. I like being home there. Steve's home there, and he's so comfortable and good to me. I have no reason to want to leave him and my comfy bed. I'm not ambitious, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I loved teaching little kids, and I got out of it for some unknown reason.

Time for lunch with Mom-- she's a completely different person now. :(

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 15:25:48 GMT

I miss home... I want to:

-go on a motorcycle ride with my dad
-go have a salad at Tony's on 146
-lay out by the pool
-spend hours reading Koontz books
-make summertime platters with my mom
-go back to visit Mrs.P
-hang out with Jess
-feel hot when I go to somewhere like Hannafords and see people who haven't seen me since I started losing weight :)
-spend time being silly with Josh
-go to the Millbury plaza for no reason
-go to the Elm Street Draft House and see cheap movies in uncomfortable seats
-take a nap on the couch even though i always know my back will hurt afterwards
-go grocery shopping
-run errands
-know exactly where i am at all times... I never feel lost at home
-watch the Gilmore Girls with Mom
-be woken up by Rew playing video games
-have lazy sunday mornings where mom always asks me if I want eggs knowing that I don't like them
-have a big family meal
-do yardwork
-play with Cooper
-complain about my room, always secretly knowing that its really my sanctuary
-not miss home anymore :(

jesus, Jesus, you smell great

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 14:54:40 GMT

red: anger

1. are you currently mad at someone? nope
2. which of your friends has the worst temper? umm... Dennis gets upset easily, but never loses his temper. Bad tempers are my biggest turn off
3. have you ever thrown something at someone? definitely. pillows, etc. I dont know if I've ever thrown anything hard
4. does your face turn red when you're angry? Probably, I don't think I get angry all that often though
5. when you're mad, do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? I think a bit of both. If someone asks me what's wrong its always "NOTHING" and a big scowl. :)

orange: excitement

1. Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party? my 16th birthday party. It wasnt really a party, 3 people showed up where my family took me out to have dinner. That was all of my friends
2. are you easily excited? I think so, I get hurt a lot because of it
3. what event is coming up that your most excited about? Steve coming home on Sunday
4. which of your friends is most exciteable? I think I am
5. if you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought? Shit, what am I going to do with this?? Oh yeah, rub it in Dad's face, then buy him cool shit
6. if you could have anything right now, what would it be? a gym in my room, I'd be a lot more likely to work out

yellow: self-discovery

1. name? Patti
2. where were you born? Uxbridge, MA. Born and raised (on the playground is where I spent most of my days....)
3. what's your main goals in life? Having kids, being happy, making sure my family is taken care of; just trying to make everything better than when I got here
4. do you want to have children? See above... I can't wait to have babies
5. how do you want to die? eh, I don't need to go out with a bang. In my sleep would be ok. Terminal illnesses freak me out. Nothing too painful

green: opinions

1. sex before marriage? duh, gotta test drive the car before you buy it (just kidding :) ) sex is for love, and i think that happens before marriage, so yes
2. younger drinking age? I think its only fair that if you can fight for your country you can have a beer legally
3. capital Punishment? yes
4. abortion? I'd rather say yes for choice
5. recycling? absolutely (though I dont do it as much as I should)

blue: dreams

1. what was your latest dream? a pretty sexy dream about Jeff :/
2. which of your friends do you dream about the most? In my dreams my friends are never people I know in real life, except when they're sex dreams
3. have any of your dreams come true? I deja vu all the time
4. do you usually remember your dreams? more than most people, I think
5. what was the weirdest dream you've ever had? I used to have this recurring dream about a woman and her husband, dressed in clothes from the 1800s who would come to my house and challenge me to a bubble gum bubble blowing contest. And I always used to win. And the woman would get SO mad and she and her husband would chase me around my house with pins.

^What's the color of the clothes your wearing? pink, black, grey, and white (I'm in pjs, I dont have to match)
^What's the color of your bathing suit? black, red, and white
^What's your favorite color? pink
^What's the color of your font on AIM? white with a pink background
^What's the color of your pillows? pink and pink, orange, white, and red stripes
^Your floor? light brown tiles, with a tan rug on Kristin's side and a teal one on mine
^The car you drive in the most? At home, its called champagne, here, blue, white, black, and sexy :)
^Your patio? orange-ish rocks (not real rocks, pressed concrete, its gorgeous)
^Your beach towel? teal
^Your nails? its called "strawberry marguarita" and they have black, sparkly pink, and white designs on 2 of them
^The nearest object? pink
^The nearest stapler? grey and black (and AMAZING)
^A book you just finished reading? What color was the book? Umm, I don't read anymore, I don't have time. My sudoku book is red and grey, lol
^Your eyes? blue/green with gold specks
^Your hair? brownish red?? I dont know anymore
^Your underwear? not wearing any, I'm in PJs
^Your desk lamp or bed lamp? all different colored stripes
^Your toilet seat? white and public :(
^The nearest rug? teal
^Your jewelry? silver ring
^The last umbrella you used? Steve's plain black one when he walked me home in the rain, that sweetheart

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 02:01:41 GMT

In my perfect world...

-genocide/AIDS/cancer/child poverty and children involved in the sex market wouldn't exist
-rain would wash away troubles and tears, but never sidewalk chalk
-I'd be able to dance :)
-the temperature would never drop below 60* but it would snow on Christmas Eve and stay snowy just for Christmas day
-languages would be easy to learn
-music would play during kisses
-food would never make anyone gain weight
-there would never be a bad audience :)
-the only kind of bugs would be butterflies and ladybugs
-tests would only be accepted when completed in pink or purple pen, not black or blue
-I would have been born in the 40s and been a pin up :)
-marajuana would be legal
-addictions wouldn't exist because the causes of those addictions would never begin
-kids would never have to go hungry
-my handwriting would be perfectly curly and feminine
-no one would EVER feel self conscious
-women would be treated like queens by all men they came in contact with, because all men would be respected too
-politicians would work for peace and equality
-sibling rivalry would always end in laughing and hugs
-there would be a West Wing channel on television, as well as a Price is Right, new Project Runway, and Inside the Actors Studio channels
-problems would be temporary, but love would last forever
-teeth would be self-flossing
-i would see my parents way more often than i do now
-taking motorcycle rides with Dad would be a daily occurance
-at least one night per week would be devoted to family time, board games highly recommended
-no one would ever have to ask for a hug, they'd be a normal hello, goodbye, and in the middle of a conversation reminder of appreciation
-cultural beliefs would be promoted and appreciated and shared by all
-nails would never break and polish would never crack, chip or smudge
-hair dye would never fade or grow out
-babies would never be accidents or "illegitimate"
-dr.seuss would be required reading
-SAT would stand for smiling aptitude test
-every day would be the perfect day to wear a dress
-high heels would never hurt or make anyone fall over
-everyone would know how to french braid, and pig tails would always be in
-clothing would be entirely optional
-nudity would only be sexual when used in a sexual situation
-children would only have to worry about missing a step while jumping rope
-grandparents would never nag, but always love and spoil
-family would never live too far away to get together for holidays
-fully stocked libraries complete with comfy, worn leather couches and brightly colored walls would be a staple in every neighborhood
-everyone would kiss on New Years, just to show eachother how incredibly lucky we all are to know one another
-all voices would be heard as equal

*sigh* thats all.... lets get crackin' y'all :)

Wed, 19 Apr 2006 19:10:02 GMT

The best song for a gorgeous day like today?? (or spring/summer in general) "Love Fool" by the Cardigans. 'nuff said :)

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 04:48:16 GMT

so this is my emotionless escapade. my emotionless things always end in too many tears on soggy pillows. i thought i'd be enough this time. pretty, smart, funny, and cute enough. enough for me and enough for him. enough for whatever we had going. i thought that trying to be everything he wanted would work. i asked myself the whole time if i deserved it, and never came up with the right answer. i dont think i ever will. i wanted to be that one girl that didnt hurt him, that he didnt have to call me about. i wanted to be one less middle of the night phone call. i wanted to feel gorgeous in his arms, and i did. but i didnt want it to stop. light touches sent shivers up my spine, kisses sending completely new, nonsexual tingles. and they're not gone for me, and i dont know if they ever existed for him. i can't say i got dumped, i was slutty enough to not need comittment. i was infatuated enough to not need comittment. it felt too good to need anything more. so i got rid of all of the "more". hurt someone I shouldnt have, but i can't take that back and don't want to. if i fell so easily and so hard, i'm not meant to be in a real relationship right now. it felt so relaxed with him. because thats how our friendship had always been. and will always be. no sorries allowed

i didn't lie in the skit. i had noticed him the second he walked in the room. i'll never stop noticing him

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 22:00:59 GMT

I haven't written in a super long time again. Its just that I write more when I'm having a bad time, and things have been going really well. There's nothing to complain about. I'm hitting the apathetic point of the year. I see myself going to class less and less and I need to kick my ass into working again. I've been working a lot at the bus station. I have my actual road test next Friday, and I'm unbelievably nervous. Plus I haven't heard about the summer orientation position and I'm really really nervous about that too. On a happy note, though, break is going well. I can't believe I'm going back in 2 days. It went by so fast. Wednesday was exactly what I needed, I went up to Boston to see Steve. We hung out for a while, then grabbed lunch, went shopping, then went to the Museum of Fine Arts. We saw some gorgeous stuff by Georgia O'Keefe, but all in all I wasn't that impressed with what the museum had for on-canvas art. They did, though, have a fantastic collection of artifacts from different time periods from all over the world. It was awesome with Steve there. Because he's studied so much about archaeology, he knew a lot about everything we were seeing. It was like I was on a museum tour. But I could kiss the cute tour guide whenever I wanted to. :) So from the museum we went to Uno's and then I headed home. It was a great day. I house-sat for the director of NRBP for a couple days at the beginning of the break, it was pretty uneventful. I've gotten boring. Now that I'm content with where I am in my life, I'm boring. Housing stuff is coming up, I'm going to plan on living with Carol if I dont get the RA position. We would be fantastic together. And Steve would be across the hall, which I haven't decided if its a good or bad thing. But him, Carol, and I would be like a little Grayson family. It'd be sweet. Thats all for now, time to go help make dinner.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 08:51:47 GMT

Guilt	What is yours?	Explain yourself
Culinary:	white bread, mayo, and ruffle potato chip sandwiches	it started out when I was little, I know its gross, but I love them...
Literary:	does porn count?	I think I just did
Audiovisual:	Project Runway	I didn't miss a show this season, just to see fucking Chloe win... ARGGGG
Musical:	really old songs	My mom raised me listening to oldies like it was my job. I can sing like every Frankie Valley song EVER
Celebrity:	Joaquin Phoenix	I might have spelled that wrong, its 4 am. But oh goodness, I'm in love with him. AND Kevin James

Now I tag:-

_octoberskies_ _empyrean scrap_this_name uxygal527444 and [Bad username: ....dunno]

to complete this same Quiz, Its HERE.

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 20:02:55 GMT

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.
Though I know that evenin's empire has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I'm branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street's too dead for dreaming.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship
My senses have been stripped, my hands can't feel to grip
My toes too numb to step, wait only for my boot heels
To be wanderin'
I'm ready to go anywhere, I'm ready for to fade
Into my own parade, cast your dancing spell my way
I promise to go under it.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Though you might hear laughin', spinnin' swingin' madly across the sun
It's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run
And but for the sky there are no fences facin'
And if you hear vague traces of skippin' reels of rhyme
To your tambourine in time, it's just a ragged clown behind
I wouldn't pay it any mind, it's just a shadow you're
Seein' that he's chasing.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to
Hey ! Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 21:21:44 GMT

iTunes
Total Songs: 531

Sort by song:
First Song: 100 Years by Five for Fighting
Last Song: Zombie by the Cranberries

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: If you don't count Dane Cook skits and songs from Doug (yes the Nickelodeon show), Belle by Jack Johnson
Longest Song: Stay by DMB

Sort by artist:
First Artist: 3 Doors Down
Last Artist: Zach Hexum

Sort by album:
First Album: 311
Last Album: You Can Have It So Much Better

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1. The Mixed Tape- Jacks Mannequin
2. Light My Candle- RENT soundtrack
3. Amber- 311
4. Flake- Jack Johnson
5. Dark Blue- Jacks Mannequin

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Umm.... Fernando by ABBA :(

Search:
"sex", how many songs come up? 2
"death", how many songs come up? 0
"love", how many songs come up? 26
"hate", how many songs come up? 1
"you", how many songs come up? 62
"final", how many songs come up? 2
"alone", how many songs come up? 1
"want", how many songs come up? 7
"sad", how many songs come up? 3

Dont YOU just love a bargain?!?

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 13:09:38 GMT

Want to know the coolest little UMass secret I just learned???? The recycling plant is open on Fridays before 11am, and they sell TV sets for $1! I hear they're not great and they say SOM on the side, but $1!! I was super excited, and I dont even need a tv, I just love a bargain!

*Sings the Christmas Tree Shoppe theme song* Indeed, I do love a bargain, CTS. And I told you so when I was there the other day, awestruck by the incredible prices of stoneware plates.

my theme song

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 07:21:47 GMT

Ani Difranco - 32 Flavors Lyrics

squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said
both my parents taught me about good will
and I have done well by their names
just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
is more than I can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so I would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
til I'd passed and left them alone
and god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a pheonix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying back
I'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I'm a saint
I just don't want to live that way
no, I will never be a saint
but I will always say
squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

hot town, summer in the city (I dont know why that just came into my mind)

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 07:08:49 GMT

when I've been reading the news lately (which isnt as often as I'd like), I've been noticing that when Americans are taken in Iraq, we use words like kidnap and hostage, prisoner. Then the journalist slips in that America has hundreds of Iraqis "in custody". I dont know why I never noticed the diction before. They're the bad guys, never us. I hate that I dont think about the war every day. I wish I was praying every day. About the war and about a million other things. I wish I went to church like I used to, and I wish I didnt feel like I was being more and more distant from my parents. I heard my brother say hell today and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. And he's 13, I should expect it, but I dont. I wish I could sleep better. I've been up until at least 3am lately, and thats not going to work with my schedule for school. I still havent decided if I want to figure out how to withdraw that F in linguistics. I want to kick some NRBP ass this year. I want to be a legend, of sorts, I suppose. I want to refine my craft and my art, and probably even more importantly I want to educate. I want people's lives to be better just because I'm involved a little bit. I want to be less annoying, and in nrbp I'm going to stop trying so hard. There's a girl in the group who seems to be close with everyone else there, always writing on their facebook walls and everything, and we've never really attempted to be close. And I'm not going to "make an attempt", but I'm going to watch myself. I dont feel excessively close with anyone in the group other than Jeff (who I ADORE), and I might want that to change. I need to get a job. I have an interview on the 30th to drive a bus, so we'll see how that goes. I want to keep losing weight. I feel better about myself now than I have in a very long time. It certainly doesnt hurt the way Steve loves me and my body, but I want to give him even more to love (or even less, if you want to look at it that way!) I want to be a better girlfriend for him. I want to give him good reason to love me the way he does, because quite honestly right now I feel like I'm being loved for no reason someimes. We got our fish on Sunday, our first pet. We're fish parents. :) He wrote on my facebook wall today that I'm a great mom (to Tom, our fish), and that meant a lot. I want to be so good for him in a million different ways. I want to be everything he deserves. I want to be hot and intelligent and passionate and witty and funny and ambitious. For him and for myself. But for him, I want to be beautiful. In every sense of the word. This is the first relationship I've been in that I need to make a conscious effort to be great, because thats what he deserves. I've honestly never been with anyone that deserved anything better than my mediocre, and its a nice change to have to put in effort. I'm so proud to be with him. I want to be a better friend. I feel like at the end of last semester, I was getting away from Carol, and I want this semester to bring us back together. She's a fantastic girl, and the best friend I have at school (well, her and Steve, but he doesnt count for this). I want to be worth spending time with. Her friendship means a lot to me, more than she probably knows. Part of me is excited about the new semester, part of me isn't. Its not going to be as many new things as September, hopefully it'll just be better. But I'm in charge of my happiness

oh I love these

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 18:17:46 GMT

100 THINGS.... repost this with your answers:

1) Fifth grade teacher's name: Ms. Sawyer was for homeroom and science, Mrs. Lane for math, Mrs. Fraine for social studies

2) Last words you said: "its working". My brother said "I'm just trying to be stupid", I responded with the latter

4) Last person you hugged: I tucked my mom in and hugged her last night

5) Last time you cried: last night

6) Last time you said I don't remember: I dont remember!! Gee whiz!

7) Last person you had a fight with: My brother

8) Are you still fighting with them: No, it was a stupid big sister/ little brother fight

9) What color socks are you wearing: I'm not wearing socks at the moment

10) What's under your bed right now: Absolutely nothing

11) What time did you wake up today: 12:38pm

12) Current taste: morning mouth

13) Current hair color: Red

14) Current favorite band: I'm on a 311 kick lately

15) Current annoyance: umm, right after I read that my arm got itchy?? Nothing, really

16) Current longing to see: Everyone back at school! Steve, Carol, Alana, the majority of NRBP

17) Current desktop background: A picture of the insanely gorgeous Not Ready For Bedtime Players at a show last semester

18) Current worry: Finding a job for next semester

19) Current hate: Questioning myself

20) Current favorite article of clothing: a pair of blue undies that I think are very sexy. If that doesnt count, a pink Gap sweater

21) Favorite physical feature of the opposite sex: shoulders and good teeth

22) Last CD that you listened to: What's a CD?!? Umm, Bullet in a Bible from Green Day

23) Favorite place to be: I like sitting on the couch with my dad, but I'm craving school at the moment

24) Least favorite place: My grandmother's car

25) Time you wake up in the morning? around 1 lately... I need to get back in school mode

26) Time you get home from school?: Depends, my schedule is going to be crazy this semester

27) Favorite color: fushia and green

28) Do you believe in an afterlife: I certainly hope this can't be it

29) Do you believe in God?: Yes I do.

30) Current favorite word/sayin: I love you.

31) Favorite book: I have a ton... The Red Tent might be my alltime fav

32) Favorite season: Fall was bad this year, but I love Fall in general

33) One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: from MY past? Umm, my aunt Nancy who passed away about a year ago

34) Do you have any pets? Indeed I do, and I'm getting a new one tomorrow!

35) Where do you want to go for college? I wanted to go the Wheaton. I ended up at the Zoo

36) What is your career going to be like? I'm at a point where I'm stuck between doing 2 things. Hopefully it will be fufilling and doing something thats helping people

37) How many kids do you want: I'll stop trying for more after 4 :)

38) Ever been arrested? Never ever

39) Said "I love you" and meant it?: Absolutely

40) Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird.etc?: I play around fight with my dog Cooper all the time, and he growls sometimes, so I guess thats fighting

41) Been to New York: I'm the only person EVER that hasnt been to NY

42) Been to Florida: twice

43) Been to California: Nope

44) Been to Hawaii: No.

45) Been to Mexico: No, but its on my list of places to go.

46) Been to China: Nope.

47) Been to France: No.

48) Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I do have deja vu a lot, but I dont think it ever happens the next day

49) Have you ever made out with anyone who didn't speak ANY english: No. I dont know if I've ever met anyone who didnt speak any English

54) Worst feeling in the world: Lonliness

55) What is the first thing you think of when you wake in the morning: I thought of Steve this morning. I also thought of my loud ass family downstairs

56) How many rings before you answer the phone: 2ish

59) Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, I have some on the shelf next to my bed though. They're watching over me :)

68) What are you most scared of?: Being alone

69) What clothes do you sleep in? I slept in undies and a tshirt last night, most of the time (at home anyways) I sleep naked

70) Who is the last person that called you: Steve at like 3 in the morning

71) Where do you want to get married: In a church

72) If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: Umm, I'd be more honest. I'd keep secrets better. I'd certainly be skinnier, I'd be prouder of who I am and what I've done

73) Who do you hate?: Her name is Lindsay

74) Been In Love: I had a big fight with myself last night about what love is, and what being in love means. I certainly hope I'm in love now

75) Are you timely or always late: I'm normally always on time

76) Do you have pets? a dog, 2 birds, 60+ fish, and a bunny

77) Do you like being around people?: Definitely

78) Best feeling in the world?: Love and protection

79) Are you for world peace: Though I'm not sure if it would ever work, I'm for world peace. See Icon. :)

80) Are you a health freak: I am about germs. Food and exercise though? Not in the slightest. OOH! Except I hate when people over salt things

81) Do you have a "Type" of person you always go for?: There have been a few exceptions to my chubby guy rule, but yes :)

84) Ever afraid you'll never get married: Always.

85) Do you want to get married: Very much so

86) Do you want kids?: I was put on this Earth to be a mom

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU..

87) cried: Twice.

88) Bought Something: Steve's birthday present

89) Gotten Sick: I thought I was going to be. My mom's driving is insane

90) Sang: Very loudly, I thought my brother's friend who was sleeping over was in bed already, and I was belting Rent in my room, and he totally heard me

91) Said I Love You: A lot

92) Wanted To Tell Someone You Liked them: I did.

93) Met Someone: I think I had seen him before, but kind of

95) Talked To Someone: Of course! Who doesnt talk to anyone in 2 days?

96) Had A Serious Talk: Yes.

97) Missed Someone: A lot of someones

98) Hugged Someone: Yep

99) Yelled at Someone: Yelled? no

100) Wanted to be with someone: A thousand times yes

thick as a brick

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 23:43:31 GMT

My mom's drinking is the same, if not worse than before. I cant watch her do this to herself. I wish I could scream at her and make her stop, yell at her about what its doing to her body, and what its doing to our relationship. But I dont think she cares, and I can't help her if she doesn't want to be helped. I want to tie the woman down and try to logically explain to her what she's doing to me. But I can't. You can't tie down your parents. It violates some kind of code. I was a very great daughter today. I woke up early (which is 10am for me now...gosh) and drove my dad to the hospital to get his wrist fixed. Well, he drove there. I waited with him until he went into surgery, then went shopping and driving. I had a great lunch at Wendy's, which is by far the best fast food place around. I've heard Sonic is great, but since I've never been there, I dont know. I went all over, to Trader Joe's and Petco. I talked to the fish guy like I intended to get a fish there, but I didnt. I'm waiting until I get back to school with Steve. He taught me a lot about the fish though. WAY more helpful than the asshole fish guy in Cambridge. Bastard. But anyway, hehehe, not bitter at all. :) Then like I said, I went to Trader Joe's and got my dad his favorite chocolate covered fruit for when he got out of surgery. And I got some chocolate covered espresso beans for me. I'm saving them for school though, haha. ***Edit 5 minutes later: I opened them, LOL*** I'll need them after next semester. I keep wondering what I got myself into. Today I actually started doing the reading for ASB. Theres not a ton, and I got started early enough that I'll be thoroughly done by the time class starts. The articles I read were fantastically written, by a guy named Kozol. An anthropologist studying in NYC in the Bronx. It was about how children (all Black and Hispanic) that grow up there have some of the highest rates of respitory problems (asthma, etc.) in the country because NYC puts all the recycling and burning plants in the ghettos, so the rich people wont have to deal with them. The kids breathe it in (along with the diseasl fumes from trucks going in and out) and get insanely sick. And the adults are dying in their 40s because of issues related to it. Its really sad. I like this class already. Its making me want to make a difference. I'm a bit frustrated because I cant just run to NYC and flip the off switch on recycling plants, but I can do what I can about it. I dont know what that is, yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Just going to Virginia is seriously going to be a life changing experience for me. I'm looking foward to doing something for the country. I have so much. And Kozol is a rich, white guy. So he had a whole section of the article about how to approach situations where people know you've had more opportunity than them. And thats what I'm going to be dealing with. Its going to be me, the white Yankee girl who's always gotten everything and never gone hungry, trying to be charitable towards the Black, poor kids down in Virginia. Hopefully they wont see it like that because I really do want to be a positive influence. I was reading the article and it said that because of the crack down in drug trafficking by the police, hundreds of brothers, dads, and sons ended up in jail. Some crazy number like 15% of kids only see their dads when they go visit them in jail. I'm a bit of proof that kids with Dads from jail can suceed. They like bringing college kids down to Virginia, (especially Black ones, however bad that sounds) to show them that kids can go to college. Its doable. I didnt come from a very upstanding family. We may have money, but my parents are still not exemplary people. I've overcome a lot of odds to be where I am, and I'm proud of myself for doing so. And I'm VERY VERY excited for tomorrow. Mom and I are going to a secret locale where I'm getting Steve's birthday present. And I want to talk about it, but a certain someone reads my journal on a normal basis (I love you, baby, hehe). He'll find out soon enough. I think its a good idea. So now I'm off to relax. After my day, I think I deserve it. :)

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 07:52:50 GMT

why is it 2:50am and I'm exhausted but can't sleep? I have to be up in 7 hours to take my dad to surgery. I've been reading since like 8pm and read the last 2/3 of the Koontz book I got for Christmas. Interesting story, I recommend it. Its called "Forever Odd", but you have to read "Odd Thomas" first. Which seriously, is one of my favorite books ever. I think I'm going to lay here for a bit now... fuck, I wish i could sleep....

I'm also getting sick! WAHOO!!! Steve was sick, and his parents were sick when I went to visit and Andrew just got over something. I'm not surprised, I just wish it didnt happen. We have no soup and my mom won't take care of me anymore. And Dad's getting surgery tomorrow, for carpel tunnel in both wrists, so I'm sure all sympathy will go to him. I wish I had someone to tuck me in and lay with me until I fall asleep. :( I'm so loney

crazy in love

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 03:05:02 GMT

Haven't written in a while again. I've been kind of busy. I spent the weekend with Steve, and it was beyond incredible. We went out for our anniversary on Friday, at the Cheesecake Factory. Saturday we went on my first real date ever. We went to the Fogg art museum at Harvard, and then to Starbucks, went back to his house for dinner, and then he took me to see "Casanova" at night. We spent Sunday at the aquarium, which I've always found insanely romantic. And then after a quick unsucessful trip to Petco, I headed home. We've gotten way more serious lately. I've never had a guy pay for me when we're out, which I know is odd, but its true. He's more than I ever dared to wish for. He's making a huge life deicison, and he's actually taking into acount what I think and what I want. He's planning on whats going to work for our life together. He told me he's thinkikng of changing his concentration from German archeology to Central and South America so I would have a job wherever he went. I cried when he told me. I've never had anyone tell me he was that comitted. And maybe its too fast, and maybe we're too young. But right now I cant turn anything he does down. He makes me feel like women are supposed to feel. We had a kiss on Saturday night that made me cry. It was raining and it was cold, we were outside, getting soaked. It was amazing. And we're getting a fish together when we get back to school. We're both definitely looking foward to sharing something like that. I love him so much. We figured out that we each love to wear rings, but neither of us has a ring that we could wear every day. So we're getting rings for eachother for Valentine's Day. The one I got for him is very cute. We're showing eachother, to keep it safe. He loves the one I picked. And he was showing me the ones he was looking at, and without me telling him anything, he was looking at sapphires. He managed to be looking at my favorite gemstone without even realizing that I love blue sapphires. He's something special.

Other than that, nothings going on. Its Andrew's birthday, tomorrow. He's going to be 13, which is so weird. I got him a Green Day CD and DVD that he's wanted for months. He'll love me. :) I'm completely looking foward to heading back to school. Home is boring, and I'm starting to fight with my parents way more than normal. I just want to get back and get into the normal, scheduled days again. My schedule looks alright, and I'm excited. I cant wait to be my own person again. To stay busy, to have things to do. I'm applying for 2 jobs, so it'll be new. And I'm applying to be an orientation conselor and an RA for next year. Now that I'm finally settled I feel like I can finally get involved like I was in high school. Time for popcorn!! :)

Being a girl sucks. Period. How Ironic

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 15:41:55 GMT

Today is Steve and my official one month anniversary, haha. Its been a while since I've had one of those. He's been doing all the remembering, which is the sweetest thing. He even remembered the time. He's Adorable, with a capital A. I'm heading to Cambridge tomorrow to spend the weekend out with him, and I'm so very very excited. We're going out to dinner tomorrow night to celebrate. And at some point in time there were plans to go the aquarium, but I dont know if those are still happening. Either way, spending time together is something I'm totally looking foward to. And then before I know it I'll be back at school and things will be normal again. Today we're planning on when to meet for lunch during the week with our schedules. And when we'll meet for dinner. And normally such activity would make me want to vomit its so cute, but I cant help but love him for being willing to. He's way too good to me.

But anways, I really cant wait to be back at school. Mom's drinking is out of control. The woman had 8 mixed drinks the other night, with at least a shot of rum in each. And then went to work the next morning. Something's wrong, obviously. It bothers me that when I'm gone, no one is even going to be concerned about what she's doing to her body. Because I really do forget about it at school. It bothers me that I want to start building my life without my mom in it. She gets drunk and it seems like her true feelings come out. She told me the other day that my brother is definitely her favorite. And I mean, I knew that, duh, but to hear it? It hurts. Even when she's sober, she wont tell me she loves me when I say it. I think she sees some kind of responsibility in the phrase. Some kind of contract thats holding her to be a good mother when she knows she cant be. I cant wait to have kids so I can love them the way kids are supposed to be loved. And I'll tell them and hug them a hundred times a day. And I hope she knows that my kids wont be hanging around a role model like that. Maybe that'd be enough to make her stop. But then again, if my brother and I arent enough, why would more kids be? Its so selfish, and quite frankly, I'm sick of her bullshit.

And I'm tired. Back to sleep for me