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(no subject) [Aug. 22nd, 2006|09:09 pm]
So today was the first day of RA training. I'm really liking it so far. The other RAs in my building seem great. We played one awesome game of volleyball tonight. :) On a sad note, I need to get rid of my hermit crabs. My RD reminded me that they don't follow the policy of "fish only". So thats a bummer, hopefully I'll find someone to take good care of them. Ww'll see. I was also so effing nervous about emailing my boss at transit about my hours and he was SO amazingly sweet. I should have known. He was great. He congratulated me so much about becoming an RA and then told me to drive as much as I can and not to worry about it. I do love Transit. I can't wait for other people to get on campus. Pretty much just excited for Steve and Brad at this point. I have plans with both of them that I'm excited for. I have to change my classes around to make time for some RA stuff at night. 2 night classes plus NRBP just wasnt going to work. I'm really looking foward to this year. I'm already thinking of floor activities and door decorations. I feel like I was made for this. Though I am known in my building as "that girl" because I keep knowing the answers to geeky questions. Oh well, gotta run :)
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(no subject) [Jul. 29th, 2006|10:04 pm]
[Current Location |in the living room]
[Today I feel.... |complacentcomplacent]
[What am I listening to? |a movie I'm watching with Dad]

I'm feeling eloquent because of the book I just finished. I re-read "The Red Tent", honestly one of the most amazing books I've ever read in my life. I spend my summer days reading and tanning and being useless. I wish I had something legitimate to be doing. Reading the stories of women who spent entire days hunched over looms or spinning thread between their coordinated hands makes me feel wasted. I spend my days trying to spin my words into beautiful phrases that weave into Steve's heart and keep him just as strong as the fabrics spun by the women of ages long ago. I miss him until my heart aches, which seems silly considering I just saw him last week. He's only 7 months of my past, but my goodness is that man going to be my future. I don't know how I could spend the rest of my life without him. He makes me want to be a better person just to be worthy of being with him, though he's never thought of me as anything other than perfect. He amazes me by the things that he does, with all of the things that he does. Only being friends with him was quite possibly the biggest blessing I ever had in my life until we bacame partners in our lives together. Perhaps that sounds ridiculous, but its so true. The rest of my days will overflow with happiness and laughter if they're spent with him. My children will be the luckiest in the world to have him as a father. Watching him play soccer last weekend left me to dream of our healthy children playing the world sport in our backyard. Thats the most perfect thing I can think of. Thats what I hope my dreams are filled with until I can sleep with him again. Being able to lie in his arms just means that I never want to fall asleep, no matter how sweet my dreams are they'd never compare with having him next to me. Watching him sleep or even just laying with him is better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I truly am blessed with him, and with the millions of other things I'm blessed to have in my life.
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(no subject) [Jul. 21st, 2006|02:09 am]
[Current Location |Last night in the C-Monster]
[Today I feel.... |blanknorhing, really]
[What am I listening to? |Miss Delaney]

Random, middle of the night entry. NSO ended today. I'm looking foward to not only going home, but going to Boston tomorrow to visit Steve. Packing sucks though. I'm exhausted. I have a feeling in about a week I'm just going to crash and sleep for an entire week. I got asked out today... by someone that wasn't Steve. That was interesting. I politely declined, of course, but it was nice to be asked out on a date. I had never been asked to go out on one date. Oh, and I should probably mention that it was an orientation student from last week... at least he was an older transfer and not a freshman. I got a hair cut today. I really like it. Hopefully I'll be able to do something with it myself tomorrow. I HATE getting a hair cut that looks awesome in the salon but I can never make look any good ever again. I did laundry tonight, I was proud of myself. I haven't done my own laundry since first semester. Steve or my mom always does it. I'm a lucky, blessed girl. Well, Gram's coming tomorrow (or really today) around 10:30, so I should head to bed before I have to wake up early to pack more. Eww... at least I get to go home!!
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2006|11:30 pm]
[Current Location |scared shitless in the dorm room]

Sometimes I think of the most random reasons why I love Steve. This weekend had a lot of those times. We were at the fireworks in the town over on Sunday night and he was telling me what chemicals were used to make the fireworks different colors. It was adorable. He plays with my brother and gets along with my dad, faking enthusiasm about salt water reef tanks to have something to talk about. Everytime he meets someone I'm overwhelmed by how proud I am to be with him. He met some more extended family members on Monday and he was so impressive. I'm so lucky, and I'm so in love.
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2006|12:07 am]
[Today I feel.... |busySPIRE frazzeld]

let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be happy; let me be sad. Let me be cold; let me be warm. Let me be hungry...have too much to eat. Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere- be deceitful. let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little peice of living is ever lost.

Steve comes home today... its been a looooong 4 weeks. I'm completely ready to start a new life with him. First night of a new orientation session was this evening-- I'm pretty much going crazy. Big Chat with the boss lady tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. Now its time for Harry Potter and bed.
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(no subject) [Jun. 22nd, 2006|06:56 am]
[Today I feel.... |embarrassedlike I said I'm hearing Wham!]
[What am I listening to? |wake me up before you go go]

So this is weird. I never write when I'm in a good mood. I say that all the time. Any reader of my journal probably thinks I'm NUTS and seriously disturbed. So here it is, my summing up break so far entry. I spent about a week at home before coming back to campus for new student's orientation. The hours are ridiculous, sometimes the students can be annoying, but some are awesome, and I really like the people I work with. I don't know if the pay is worth it yet, but it doesn't really matter at the moment. I think that its helping me identify some problems about who I am, but its also making me a bit crazy. Not helping my sanity is that Steve left 22 days ago for Central America and I haven't talked to him since. No letters, emails, phone calls. Damn Belize. But I'm sure he's loving digging, its what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Other than marry me. :) I miss him so much. Sometimes I need to reread sweet emails, voicemails, facebook wall posts, etc just to remind myself that he wasn't all a dream. I worry a lot that he's going to fall out of love with me while he's down there. Come back and be like "oh right, I deserve better than you". I'd be wrecked, but probably understand. It's not really probable, considering how in love with me he is, but I worry. I've been doing Summertime Players at orientation, so thats great. Its my one escape every session. I feel like I wear a mask during a lot of sessions, and ironically when I'm acting on a stage, I feel most like myself. I went home last weekend and it reminded me how much I love my parents. I miss them all the time. My happy entry turned sad.... hmph. Well believe it or not, I'm pretty happy. I'll be happier in a week when Steve is home, when I can stop worrying about all of the physical dangers he's facing, but all of them emotional terrors I've seemed to have. Him being away has made me realize that our open relationship thing was bullshit. He's the one for me and I'm completely in love with him. It was just a selfish desire for me to feel attractive and wanted. But honestly its only his opinion that matters to me, and he does think I'm attractive and he wants me. I think that I'm always going to crave male acceptance. However I know that even better than lots of acceptance, is being loved and cared for and caring for one of the sweetest, kindest, good hearted men I've ever met. Time to start the day
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(no subject) [Jun. 15th, 2006|12:16 am]
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks,and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they foundout my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

I'm an ally.

I'm bisexual.

I'm a gay rights activist.
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(no subject) [May. 23rd, 2006|11:49 am]
My mom's hit me twice in my entire life. Once was when I was younger, she challeneged me to a fist fight. I don't remember it hurting. Not on the outside anyway. The second time was last night. Both times she's been insanely intoxicated. Both times were without real reason, I dont know if theres ever a real reason to hit anyone. But it still happened. And now I don't know how to handle it. I want to know if she remembers, because she probably doesn't. If she does remember, then its ok. If she would do the same thing sober, I really don't care. But I know she wouldnt, and that kills me. Thats a drinking problem, as if I ever was unsure if she had one. I hate loving her as much as I do. I don't know how else to help her. Now I know why my brother doesn't like to be home and why he always goes out with his friends.

I excelled in high school because I didn't want to be home. I threw myself into school because I had nothing going for me here. But now I'm at college. And failing miserably. I have no motivation because I like my room. I like being home there. Steve's home there, and he's so comfortable and good to me. I have no reason to want to leave him and my comfy bed. I'm not ambitious, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I loved teaching little kids, and I got out of it for some unknown reason.

Time for lunch with Mom-- she's a completely different person now. :(
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2006|11:24 am]
[Today I feel.... |gigglylike my baby comes back today!]
[What am I listening to? |"The Boys Are Back In Town" by the Mountain Goats]

I miss home... I want to:

-go on a motorcycle ride with my dad
-go have a salad at Tony's on 146
-lay out by the pool
-spend hours reading Koontz books
-make summertime platters with my mom
-go back to visit Mrs.P
-hang out with Jess
-feel hot when I go to somewhere like Hannafords and see people who haven't seen me since I started losing weight :)
-spend time being silly with Josh
-go to the Millbury plaza for no reason
-go to the Elm Street Draft House and see cheap movies in uncomfortable seats
-take a nap on the couch even though i always know my back will hurt afterwards
-go grocery shopping
-run errands
-know exactly where i am at all times... I never feel lost at home
-watch the Gilmore Girls with Mom
-be woken up by Rew playing video games
-have lazy sunday mornings where mom always asks me if I want eggs knowing that I don't like them
-have a big family meal
-do yardwork
-play with Cooper
-complain about my room, always secretly knowing that its really my sanctuary
-not miss home anymore :(
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jesus, Jesus, you smell great [Apr. 29th, 2006|10:37 am]
[Current Location |519 bitches]
[Today I feel.... |awakelike i just woke up]
[What am I listening to? |they're playing something loud next door]

red: anger

1. are you currently mad at someone? nope
2. which of your friends has the worst temper? umm... Dennis gets upset easily, but never loses his temper. Bad tempers are my biggest turn off
3. have you ever thrown something at someone? definitely. pillows, etc. I dont know if I've ever thrown anything hard
4. does your face turn red when you're angry? Probably, I don't think I get angry all that often though
5. when you're mad, do you prefer to stare angrily or yell and scream? I think a bit of both. If someone asks me what's wrong its always "NOTHING" and a big scowl. :)

orange: excitement

1. Has anyone ever thrown you a surprise party? my 16th birthday party. It wasnt really a party, 3 people showed up where my family took me out to have dinner. That was all of my friends
2. are you easily excited? I think so, I get hurt a lot because of it
3. what event is coming up that your most excited about? Steve coming home on Sunday
4. which of your friends is most exciteable? I think I am
5. if you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought? Shit, what am I going to do with this?? Oh yeah, rub it in Dad's face, then buy him cool shit
6. if you could have anything right now, what would it be? a gym in my room, I'd be a lot more likely to work out

yellow: self-discovery

1. name? Patti
2. where were you born? Uxbridge, MA. Born and raised (on the playground is where I spent most of my days....)
3. what's your main goals in life? Having kids, being happy, making sure my family is taken care of; just trying to make everything better than when I got here
4. do you want to have children? See above... I can't wait to have babies
5. how do you want to die? eh, I don't need to go out with a bang. In my sleep would be ok. Terminal illnesses freak me out. Nothing too painful

green: opinions

1. sex before marriage? duh, gotta test drive the car before you buy it (just kidding :) ) sex is for love, and i think that happens before marriage, so yes
2. younger drinking age? I think its only fair that if you can fight for your country you can have a beer legally
3. capital Punishment? yes
4. abortion? I'd rather say yes for choice
5. recycling? absolutely (though I dont do it as much as I should)

blue: dreams

1. what was your latest dream? a pretty sexy dream about Jeff :/
2. which of your friends do you dream about the most? In my dreams my friends are never people I know in real life, except when they're sex dreams
3. have any of your dreams come true? I deja vu all the time
4. do you usually remember your dreams? more than most people, I think
5. what was the weirdest dream you've ever had? I used to have this recurring dream about a woman and her husband, dressed in clothes from the 1800s who would come to my house and challenge me to a bubble gum bubble blowing contest. And I always used to win. And the woman would get SO mad and she and her husband would chase me around my house with pins.

^What's the color of the clothes your wearing? pink, black, grey, and white (I'm in pjs, I dont have to match)
^What's the color of your bathing suit? black, red, and white
^What's your favorite color? pink
^What's the color of your font on AIM? white with a pink background
^What's the color of your pillows? pink and pink, orange, white, and red stripes
^Your floor? light brown tiles, with a tan rug on Kristin's side and a teal one on mine
^The car you drive in the most? At home, its called champagne, here, blue, white, black, and sexy :)
^Your patio? orange-ish rocks (not real rocks, pressed concrete, its gorgeous)
^Your beach towel? teal
^Your nails? its called "strawberry marguarita" and they have black, sparkly pink, and white designs on 2 of them
^The nearest object? pink
^The nearest stapler? grey and black (and AMAZING)
^A book you just finished reading? What color was the book? Umm, I don't read anymore, I don't have time. My sudoku book is red and grey, lol
^Your eyes? blue/green with gold specks
^Your hair? brownish red?? I dont know anymore
^Your underwear? not wearing any, I'm in PJs
^Your desk lamp or bed lamp? all different colored stripes
^Your toilet seat? white and public :(
^The nearest rug? teal
^Your jewelry? silver ring
^The last umbrella you used? Steve's plain black one when he walked me home in the rain, that sweetheart
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